i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
