dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
