so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
