the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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