i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
