He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
