i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
