You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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