I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
