I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
