Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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