I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
