You're so nebulous sometimes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
