i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
