Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
