It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
