If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Holy shit dude........stairs
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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