at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize