cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
