Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
