I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
