The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
