She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
