apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
