I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
