Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize