Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
