I heard we made out
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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