I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
