Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
