i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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