u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
