I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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