the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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