My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
And then he peed in my hair
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