Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
