I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
