foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
this will be a night to untag.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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