don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
