Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
it's great music for shaving your balls
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
