did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
