someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
