why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
