I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
