I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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