Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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