Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
where are my pants?
in the oven.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
