Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
