I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I looked at my own cervix.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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