i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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