4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize