Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
