My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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