Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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