I just gift wrapped bread.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
