that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
