you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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