I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
As shirtless as possible
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
