Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
